I just can’t

Some days, I just can’t.

I can’t focus. I can’t be productive. I can’t motivate myself. I can’t stare at the computer a minute longer. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!

Days like that are frustrating, but there’s always the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll handle more of the items on my agenda. I’ll final accomplish that looming task. I’ll be ready to get the job done.

It’s a real problem when one of those days turns into three of four consecutive days of “I can’t!” What’s a body to do? I know that there are things that need my attention. I know that avoiding them will not make things better. Every attempt to push through just results in barely making a dent in anything. That’s when I just want to pull the covers over my head and pretend I have no responsibilities and no need to get out of bed.

I’m in the midst of several consecutive days of the “I can’t” syndrome. The situation is made worse because I have no energy and I’m not feeling 100%. I’m hoping that a weekend trip to see my family will help kick me back in gear. But there are things that I absolutely have to get done before I head to the airport on Friday morning. The tasks are daunting and I’m struggling to even begin to think about it. Because I feel overwhelmed at the moment, I can’t fathom accomplishing anything by just taking “one bite of the elephant at a time.”

Yeah….I’m struggling with some major “I can’t” issues at the moment. Hopefully a restful night will put me in a better mood tomorrow and give me a more positive outlook to get back in the driver’s seat and turn the “I can’t” attitude around.

When Stress is in the Air

Good grief, I’m tired! I am writing at the end of the second day of the Fall semester and I already feel as though I’ve run a marathon. Trying to teach through a mask while maintaining my distance from my students is tough. Worries about everyone’s health takes a mental toll. Everyone is pleasant in the halls, but there is so much tension in the air, it is palpable.

Today looked as though it would be a fairly light day for me. I started the day with a private piano lesson before moving into class piano. The rest of the day was to be devoted to finishing up lesson plans and to practice. However, I felt like I was in a fog and could not get my brain wrapped around anything. Just as I finally got around to beginning to work on a piece that is causing me a lot of stress and worry, a piano down the hall began to pound out heavy chords that were in a contrary rhythm to mine. I was attempting to work out some rhythmic figures that were giving me grief. I could not focus on the metronome next to me because of the chords. I became frustrated and moved to my desk to get some other work done.

After a few minutes at my desk, the piano playing stopped. So I went back to my practicing. You guessed it…..the bombastic chords began again. Now I was simply angry. So I went to walk around the building and take a deep breath. Did I have a right to be angry? Not at all. It’s just a common problem in our building that there is no sound-proofing. We work around the bleed through on a regular basis. I just could not do it today. I was ready to bite someone’s head off if they approached me in just the wrong way. Thankfully, I didn’t have an interaction with another human until I had settled myself and regained some perspective.

Do I always manage my stress well? Not on your life! I snap at people and take my frustration out on others. Then I feel even worse. I’m learning to step away and allow my mind to settle. I’m also finding that changing tasks (when it’s possible) also helps me out. That’s not always an option…..and those are tough times to manage the stress.

How am I managing my stress right now? Not very well, honestly. I’ve been on the verge of tears multiple times this week and I am not resting well. I look at everything that needs to be done and I feel completely overwhelmed. To my detriment, I pull away from those that love me when I start to feel as though I’m at the end of my rope. I climb into my corner and shut out the rest of the world. I just have to monitor myself and make sure that I don’t isolate too long to the point that it becomes unhealthy. Right now, I’m making a point to spend time in the Word before beginning each day and reminding myself that I am not in this current situation alone. All of my colleagues are feeling the strain. Some are better at hiding their stress. But I can see it in their eyes. We just want to make music and take care of our students. Unfortunately, we are having to think about a lot of other things at the moment. We feel the weight and take the responsibility very seriously. Right now, we just need to make sure that we are protecting our physical and mental health and reminding ourselves that it won’t always be this way.

Where Do You Want to Be?

My blog prompts have been hitting pretty close to home recently and today’s question is no different. At the moment, I am right where I want to be…..and far away from where I want to be too.

I’m right where I want to be at the moment, sitting in my chocolate brown recliner with my feet up and a Coke on the table next to me. For the past week, I’ve been in Midland, Texas, staying in a host home while playing for the WBU Opera touring production of La Prima Musica. Don’t get me wrong…..I thoroughly enjoyed getting to perform for most of the elementary students that attended the opera. I am so thankful to Permian Basin Opera for providing the opportunity to WBU Music and taking such good care of us while visiting the city. But after 9 performances, load-in, and strike, I’m pooped! My arms are achy — no pain, just extremely tired — and my mind is jelly at the moment. So since returning home this afternoon, I have spent most of the day sitting in this very chair. I’ve listened to a little music, done some reading, and watched a bit of television. I simply needed to spend the day doing nothing that was very taxing. It was great spending the week with my colleagues and our students as we performed…but I’m very thankful to be in my apartment again.

At the same time, my apartment is the last place I want to be at the moment. All week long, I have seen posts from previous years when I would visit Los Angeles around this time of the year on an almost annual basis. It’s not the scenery that I’m missing or even the weather. It’s not even the fun activities that I miss. I’m missing the people that have played such a special part in my life over the years. So….if I’ve spoken with you about making a road trip to L.A. this summer, know that I am completely serious. I want to do the touristy stuff as part of a fun summer trip. But I need to see some important people and just be myself for a while without any reservation.

But that’s not the only place I’m wishing I could be tonight. I’m missing the Geriatric Ward at the moment. Today is my dad’s birthday. I don’t have the best relationship with Pop and never have. I know that I am loved and he provided for me generously, but there was never a strong connection. I was the child of his later years who had no interest in outdoor activities and learning how things worked. Instead, I was the bookworm who would rather spend time at the piano or in a museum. We simply had very little in common and I don’t think either of us knew how to operate in the other’s world. So there was very little meaningful interaction.

Still, I love my dad and know that he will not be with us forever. He turned 83 today. In the past, he has battled cancer and heart complications. When I visit, I see that he is becoming more and more frail and the years are finally beginning to catch up with him. I wish I were closer to the Geriatric Ward so that I could make an effort to establish more of a relationship with him now that I know how that process works. Phone calls don’t do the trick for us though. And it appears that we will not be in the same locale on a regular basis any time soon. So for now, I have to make the best of the limited time I have in Arkansas and make the best of a less-than-ideal situation. I’ll be home for Thanksgiving in a few weeks and then again for the Christmas holidays a couple of weeks later. For now, that has to be enough.

So for right now, I am going to be content while I’m resting in Plainview, finish the work that is still before me, and know that I am right where I want to be at the moment as I also reflect on the other places that I want to be…..with the people that I wish I was near.

The Impact of Sickness

Late last week, I got hit with a nasty head cold that came on hard and fast. This was one of the first times that I had really felt crummy in quite a while. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a good patient. I want things to be fixed right away and don’t manage the recovery process well at all. Despite not feeling well, there were still things that simply had to happen. I had to push through. Now that I’m feeling better (thank Heavens!), I can look back and see the impact that illness had on me in several areas.

• Cranky and irritable. Some would argue that this is really not an unusual stance for me, but when I’m sick, things just don’t go well in my world. Leave me alone. Don’t cross my path. And Heaven forbid that you ask me to do more than the bare minimum.
• Negative. This is one of my biggest frustrations when I’m sick. I think the world is falling and things will never get better. My entire outlook on life is colored by how I feel. In most cases, when my body is fighting, my emotions and mind are also sick. It’s not a good combination and the sooner I come to that realization, the quicker I begin to recover.
• No rhythm. When my head is clogged, rhythm is one of the first things to go. Rhythmic issues can always be problematic for me — I’ll be the first to admit that — so it’s no surprise that the aspect of music that I have to monitor most carefully is the first to leave when I’m less than my best.
• Cravings abound. I could simply not get enough food last week. I found myself looking for comfort foods — and especially things that were warm. I tried several combinations to satisfy my craving but didn’t find it until I stepped into the market and saw a warm loaf of bread. THAT was exactly what I needed in the moment. How did I know I was on the road to recovery? I needed chocolate and water! That’s a sure sign that things are returning to normal.
• Nothing beats mindless rest. I rarely enjoy sitting in a stupor and having no mental stimulation. However, that’s exactly what I needed last weekend. I spent much of the afternoon sitting on my couch with the television on. I really wasn’t watching anything….I just needed the noise so I wouldn’t feel completely alone. I didn’t read. I didn’t think about upcoming projects. I simply let my mind drift to a safe place and rested. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Hopefully I’m done with illness for a while. I’m still not back to full strength yet, but I’m feeling better with each passing day….and I’m looking forward to the return of normalcy in my life.