Quality Friend

Feb 7 – What are the qualities that you value in a friend?

I have been very fortunate to have good friends throughout my adult life. As I have reflected today on the friendships that I have valued the most over the years, I was struck by the fact that my friends do not fit into a cookie-cutter mode. They are men and women of all ages, interests, and abilities. Some are musicians; many are not. So what is it that I treasure in a friend? I think I’ve arrived at a few qualities that are extremely important to me and lead to relationships that have lasted the test of time.

• My best friends make me laugh at myself and others. I tend to think of myself as a happy person, but I can slip into a case of the blues very quickly when I begin to feel extreme stress. My friends often know that I’m getting depressed before I do and have found unusual ways of helping me find the humor in situations and get me to release the stress through laughter.
• Defenders. I am an adult and capable of taking care of myself. I also am a person who will avoid conflict at any cost if it is possible. Sometimes, by avoiding conflict, I put myself in a position that is less than ideal. Over the years, I have watched as some of my closest friends have stood by my side and called out people that were not respecting me as a person, friend, or professional. Just as I am quick to defend my friend when I feel the need — or just don’t like the way someone else has spoken to them or about them — I’ve witnessed a few “tigers” come charging from cages to my defense over the years. It’s comforting to know that someone has your back and that you are not facing the world and life alone.
• Friends can call me out on my s*** too. I don’t always take criticism well, even when it is well-intended and deserved. My dearest friends have a knack for seeing my deepest flaws and are able to bring things to my attention in a way that is brutally honest, but it doesn’t hurt as much. Sure, it stings at first. But because I know they are speaking from a place of love, it is much easier to take….and that’s when personal growth occurs.
• They are not afraid to love or be loved. I am an extremely loyal person and will love my friends deeply. My best friends understand my love languages, accept my expressions without judgement, and are also willing to express their love for me when they know that I need it. Whether it is a text message, pat on the back, an unexpected delivery of a much-needed Coke, or a welcome hug, my friends develop their own way to express their concern and love….and it is a joy to experience!
• Friends understand that life gets crazy sometimes. Some people will not agree with this point, but I have found it to be true for many years now. My friends know that I hate talking on the phone. I would rather see you in person or communicate via text. There are times — sometimes VERY LONG times — when life gets insane with performances, travel, caring for parents, and work. In those times, I don’t always have time to talk. Those who are in my inner circle have learned that lesson and accept it. When we are able to pick up again, it’s as though we haven’t missed a beat. Now that I’m in west Texas, there aren’t as many opportunities to get back to Southern California. But that doesn’t mean things have changed. When I get back (sooner rather than later, I hope!), I know that Hammy and Paulie will welcome me with open arms — and there will be lots of laughter and love.

So….to my very best friends in Los Angeles, Hawaii, Malibu, Plainview, and Memphis….you all know who you are!…..I treasure your friendship daily. I miss you when you aren’t around and look forward to seeing you again soon. Thank you for pouring into my life in unexpected and undeserved ways. You all mean the world to me!

When I Am Lost

Today’s question asks me to explore what I do when I am lost. Honestly, I rarely get lost anymore when driving because I generally do not go off my usual route without the aid of GPS. Now, there are times when I don’t know where I’m going when I’m walking…..that can be a different story.

When I was in Southern California, I was perpetually lost. These were the days before using GPS was commonplace. I knew that if I drove west from anywhere in the city, I would eventually find my way to a stretch of road that was familiar to me. If I got really lost, I would pick up my cell and dial Tiff’s number — even when she was in Chicago or Honolulu! — and ask her to get me back to the West Side. When my travels took me back as a visitor, I would generally either drag a fraternity brother with me to make sure I got where I needed to go or I would call Paulie and tell him to give me directions.

I’ve found myself in several unfamiliar surroundings recently. Travels to Europe last summer had me finally getting comfortable with a city’s general layout just as we were heading to our next destination. Each Fall’s trip to regional NATS competitions takes me to a new college campus that I am completely unfamiliar with. What’s my solution for getting around? I slap a city map, metro guide, or my performance schedule into the chest of a student standing nearby — usually Ryan, honestly — and tell him to get me where I need to go. In Europe, it was great fun to let the trio of students I ran around with navigate the city and explore some of the hidden corners that I would have missed otherwise. At NATS, I don’t have to worry about figuring out where all of the competition rooms are and can focus on the repertoire I have to play. While at UNT a few weeks ago, I was really thankful that Ryan and Erin helped me find the Starbucks and led me to Rita’s office for a much needed visit and hug.

So what do I do when I get lost? I turn to those I trust to guide me safely and quickly where I need to go. Ironic thing perhaps…..when I’m feeling lost in life — and feel as though the walls are caving in — the people I would call for directions to get me around in my car or on foot are also some of the first ones I reach out to for emotional support as well. I suppose that means that when I am lost — in whatever form it may take — I tend to turn to my most trusted friends.

Where Do You Want to Be?

My blog prompts have been hitting pretty close to home recently and today’s question is no different. At the moment, I am right where I want to be…..and far away from where I want to be too.

I’m right where I want to be at the moment, sitting in my chocolate brown recliner with my feet up and a Coke on the table next to me. For the past week, I’ve been in Midland, Texas, staying in a host home while playing for the WBU Opera touring production of La Prima Musica. Don’t get me wrong…..I thoroughly enjoyed getting to perform for most of the elementary students that attended the opera. I am so thankful to Permian Basin Opera for providing the opportunity to WBU Music and taking such good care of us while visiting the city. But after 9 performances, load-in, and strike, I’m pooped! My arms are achy — no pain, just extremely tired — and my mind is jelly at the moment. So since returning home this afternoon, I have spent most of the day sitting in this very chair. I’ve listened to a little music, done some reading, and watched a bit of television. I simply needed to spend the day doing nothing that was very taxing. It was great spending the week with my colleagues and our students as we performed…but I’m very thankful to be in my apartment again.

At the same time, my apartment is the last place I want to be at the moment. All week long, I have seen posts from previous years when I would visit Los Angeles around this time of the year on an almost annual basis. It’s not the scenery that I’m missing or even the weather. It’s not even the fun activities that I miss. I’m missing the people that have played such a special part in my life over the years. So….if I’ve spoken with you about making a road trip to L.A. this summer, know that I am completely serious. I want to do the touristy stuff as part of a fun summer trip. But I need to see some important people and just be myself for a while without any reservation.

But that’s not the only place I’m wishing I could be tonight. I’m missing the Geriatric Ward at the moment. Today is my dad’s birthday. I don’t have the best relationship with Pop and never have. I know that I am loved and he provided for me generously, but there was never a strong connection. I was the child of his later years who had no interest in outdoor activities and learning how things worked. Instead, I was the bookworm who would rather spend time at the piano or in a museum. We simply had very little in common and I don’t think either of us knew how to operate in the other’s world. So there was very little meaningful interaction.

Still, I love my dad and know that he will not be with us forever. He turned 83 today. In the past, he has battled cancer and heart complications. When I visit, I see that he is becoming more and more frail and the years are finally beginning to catch up with him. I wish I were closer to the Geriatric Ward so that I could make an effort to establish more of a relationship with him now that I know how that process works. Phone calls don’t do the trick for us though. And it appears that we will not be in the same locale on a regular basis any time soon. So for now, I have to make the best of the limited time I have in Arkansas and make the best of a less-than-ideal situation. I’ll be home for Thanksgiving in a few weeks and then again for the Christmas holidays a couple of weeks later. For now, that has to be enough.

So for right now, I am going to be content while I’m resting in Plainview, finish the work that is still before me, and know that I am right where I want to be at the moment as I also reflect on the other places that I want to be…..with the people that I wish I was near.

The People Who Make Your Life Better

I am an extreme introvert. I don’t like to be in large crowds very often. Instead, I prefer small groups and intimate conversations. I suppose that is why I tend to make close connections with a small group of people. Throughout my life, I have been fortunate to have extremely close friends who know me well and make life better. What makes me even happier is that many of those who have played an important role in my life continue to remain close despite the passage of time and distance. When this prompt appeared this morning, I knew I would be in trouble if I tried to name everyone that makes my life better. I think I have come up with a solution by grouping people together.

Who are the people that make my life better?

• Mom. Okay, I’m gonna start by departing from the idea of grouping people together. I have always been a Momma’s boy and proud of it. Besides, I have it on good authority that I am Mom’s favorite child. Even though I always knew that I was loved, it wasn’t until I began graduate work and returned to my childhood home that I really began to appreciate my mother. As an adult, I was now able to have richer conversations with Mom and share my thoughts without fear of punishment. Mom quickly became my best friend and trusted confidant. Yeah….Mom definitely makes life better. (I really need to call her tomorrow. It’s been a busy few weeks and I simply haven’t had time or energy for a lengthy conversation.)
• The Malibu Crew. There were so many people who became treasured friends while I was at Pepperdine. Most of them were fraternity brothers and I continue to love them deeply. However, if I have to narrow the list to a few that I knew as students, it’s easy to talk about Jeff, Paulie, and Tiffany. (Trust me….there are plenty of others that could be added to that list!) Tiff is the friend who was a student with me the longest. We knew each other from a distance for several years, but our friendship really blossomed while we both lived in an apartment at Steeplechase! Tiff became a trusted friend who understood my fears and challenges…and loved me in spite of it all! Tiff lives in Hawaii these days, so I rarely get to see her. When we do, it’s as though we are picking up right where we left off. Paulie and Jeff are fraternity brothers. Paulie was in Malibu with me….Jeff and I would meet when he was a student, but our friendship would grow when we were both alums. The three of us have seen many late October/early November Malibu sunrises and sunsets together over the years. As we have aged, those times have moved beyond us, but we still remain connected. It has been far too long since I have sat around a table with these two men that I love and adore. There’s nothing better than that either! A return trip to Southern California is definitely in order now.
• Pepperdine staff. I was so blessed by the adults that God placed in my life while I was a student. The Campus Life staff – Hung, Rita, Lori, and Bob – made a tremendous impact on my life and continue to be treasured friends. Scott and LuJuana – the campus ministers – listened to me cry in sorrow and anger many times. Sandy and Rich practically adopted me as a member of the family. Chris and Claudia allowed a floundering pair of upperclassmen to rent a room in their faculty condo and became friends.
• The Roberts family. If you read last week’s Hits and Misses, you have already read my feelings about my adopted Texas family. But since the topic came up again today, I have to include them here as well. Jack, Christi, Ryan, and Chase (and Andrea too!)….I’m the luckiest guy in the world. I’ll forever be thankful for that fateful night in Harral Auditorium when Mrs. Gayle asked what time I would be in my office the next morning…..because she needed to make sure her oldest grandson came to visit me. Who would have imagined that such an awkward moment would turn into such a tremendous blessing to me? I adore all of you (yeah, even you……) and look forward to what adventures await in the future.
• My brother-from-another-mother. It’s sometimes surprising how friendships grow quickly and unexpectedly. During my first year of work at WBU, actually the very first week, I already found myself flustered. (I know it’s hard to believe!) I walked down the hall and into an office with an open door. I closed the door, exclaimed a few choice words, shared a laugh, and the rest is history. From the unlikeliest of pairs, Anthony has become my most trusted friend who is able to read me like a book. We’ve had many adventures together over the past 5 years….shared a lot of laughs together and shed a few tears…..and I’m looking forward to whatever else our crazy brains concoct!

What Good Are You Doing?

A good night’s sleep and a better day have put things in a better perspective than when I last posted. So perhaps we will get a more positive answer to the question that is today’s prompt.

The question can be interpreted several ways, but I am going to focus on the good impacts and good work that I am doing. So….what good am I doing?

• Mentoring students. Much of my day is spent mentoring students and it is the part of my job that I most enjoy. Today, I spoke with one student about ways to improve his academic performance before talking another through frustrations with colleagues. As the afternoon began to come to a close, I spoke with another student struggling with musical interpretation before attending a concert with a trio of young adults that I try to regularly give some needed encouragement and attention.
• Friendship. I don’t always feel that I am a good friend. Today, I received confirmation from a third party that my kindness and friendship had been spoken of as something that was greatly appreciated. Even though I’m not looking for praise, it is nice to sometimes hear that I am impacting those I am with day in and day out.
• Making music. It has taken me a long time to be comfortable enough with my performance to say that I am a good musician. This week, I have had a couple of rehearsals with Madison Younger in preparation for her recital hearing. After we worked through some issues that needed a little attention, it was time to just run the entire program. It was so much fun to play the instrument and get to “play” musically with another musician who will respond to inflections, colors, and shapes. The constant change that occurs with each performance and rehearsal is what I find so enjoyable about collaborative work. I would not trade that experience for the world!

Things I Don’t Share

Woohoo! Second day of the month and a second post. I must be on a roll or something. Ha! (Edit: This post was mostly written on 11/2/19. Late night conversation in my NATS hotel room with a friend interrupted its publication on that day. I’ll still count it as getting the prompt completed on time though!) Today’s prompt has caused me to think a little more today to tell you what I don’t share. I began thinking about material things and I was quickly aware of the fact that I consider myself very generous. I will share lots of things if I think someone wants it….

….unless you want to share my drink. It’s not that I think it’s filthy or anything. I just don’t share drinks with many people. I have never willingly taken a sip of another person’s beverage or offered them a swig of mine, but when I came down with mono in graduate school, I heard the horror stories of contracting the illness by sharing glasses. I have never been so ill in my life and will do anything necessary to avoid that condition again. If I take a sip from your glass or offer you my drink, you are one of a select group. Honestly, it I feel comfortable enough to ask you to hold my beverage, that takes extreme trust on my part. There are a few people that I would ever consider reaching for their glass and taking a drink…..and most of them are not biological family members.

Perhaps my beverage habit is a bit obsessive. But as I continued thinking throughout the day, I came up with another thing that I don’t readily share. I don’t share the real me very often. That sounds very strange, but it’s true. I tend to let people think that they know me well, but few have really seen me let all of my walls down. The man behind the walls is not extremely different from the person I share with the world….but the few that get into the inner circle are my most trusted companions and have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. Many of them first got to know me in Southern California. There were a few in Tennessee who knew me fairly well and I’m so blessed to have a couple of extremely close friends with me now in Texas. They know things that I rarely talk about regarding my past, my secrets, my hopes, my worries, and my life. They don’t know these things because they are my friends. They know these things because they dared to asked insightful questions and earned my trust.