When Expecting the Worst….

I had been anxious, uncertain, and dreading yesterday afternoon for nearly a week. The time had finally come to address an issue regarding an uncomfortable situation with someone that I barely know. Although I felt confident and secure that the choice I was making was right, I had no idea what kind of response I would receive. I don’t like confrontation. It’s a trigger mechanism for me, causing me to just do what someone else wants of me instead of standing firm in the choice that I know is right for me. That’s why I so often end up overcommitted with no clear way out of a bad situation.

Imagine my relief when an anticipated awkward conversation was actually an honest talk between people sharing a common goal. This was not the experience I was expecting at all. What made the difference, you ask? I think there were a couple of factors at play. First, I determined to be transparently honest about a lot of things that I normally would have hidden. I let some walls down and permitted the person on the other side of the table to see my point of view as clearly as I could. It was scary to remove all of the defense mechanisms, but I knew it was the only way that this conversation could be productive and beneficial for everyone involved.

The other factor was one I had no control over, but was given with generosity and grace. The other party came to the table with open ears and an open heart, willing to actually hear the things I was trying to feebly express. I saw no indication of judgement on his face, never felt like a disappointment, or sensed any frustration. Instead, I received compassion, grace, and understanding. For the first time in a very long time, I knew that I was being heard as an individual with hurts, concerns, and choices that had to be made that would be right for me.

I anticipated confrontation. I met grace, compassion, and Christian love. The meeting was scheduled with someone I hardly knew. I left having made a new friend — even though the outcome of our conversation was probably not what he had hoped — and a person that had gained more of my trust simply because he listened….and heard what was being said. I’m so thankful for those times when what we expect are not what we deserve. Yesterday’s potentially awkward conversation was a perfect reminder of the gift of grace that I desperately needed to see.

Here We Go Again

“History has a way of repeating itself.” Have you ever heard that phrase? It’s part of the reason we encourage students to study history. We hope to make a better future by avoiding yesterday’s mistakes.

But what about our personal story? I’m realizing another truth these days….”His story has a way of repeating itself.” I’m amazed that things that have caused me pain, hurt, and frustration in the past have a way of rearing their ugly heads just as my heart and spirit are finally beginning to heal. And that just causes more questions to swirl through my head. Is there something about me that attracts this pain? Have I failed to learn an important lesson somehow? Is there something wrong with me?

Before you get the wrong idea, I’m not in desperation. I’m going to be okay. I’m just too soft hearted and can be deeply hurt by insensitive people. (If you are wondering if you’ve hurt my feelings recently, I assure you the answer is “No.” Trust me on that one. I’m confident that the guilty party is not reading my blog posts.) I’m just finding myself experiencing a little deja vu and the old injuries are starting to be painful again.

When I had finally had enough of the pain and betrayal the first time, I promised myself I would never permit anyone to make me feel like this again. The temptation in my current situation is to tuck tail, run, and leave the aggressor behind. At the moment, I think that’s too easy of a solution though….and that’s the outcome the jerk is hoping for! As much as I hate to accept it, I think this is one of those times where I simply have to stand my ground and let the chips fall where they may. In the end, truth will prevail and the manipulation will be seen for what it is. Besides, there are too many good things in my life now to let the actions of one thoughtless, hurtful person rain on my parade.

So I’m hitching up my pants, straightening my back, and digging in for the long haul. History may be repeating itself, but the difference this time is me. I’m choosing to respond in a different way and trusting that the outcome will ultimately be a good one for me.