Overwhelmed

Feeling overwhelmed is a reality. What’s causing me to feel this way? The constant need to use technology that seems either insufficient, ineffective, or unavailable. The confinement of spending much of the day behind a mask. Poor lighting. The need to learn so much music rapidly in the face of an eventual shutdown, but not having adequate time to devote at my instrument because of all of the other demands. The constant addition of new projects. The constant level of stress and tension that is always present. It’s a lot to handle and I’m not entirely sure that I’m doing a good job of it at the moment.

Despite my best efforts to maintain a to-do list, it always feels as though something vital is slipping through the cracks. I am attempting to leave everything behind at the end of the work day and allow myself to unwind at home, but there is always a nagging thought that there is something else I need to do. Now that the home office has become an extension of the work office through virtual reality, it is much more challenging to escape the demands of the day. The scary part is that I’m just finishing the first full week of the semester and at this rate, I’m rather worried if I will survive.

But I know I have to survive. Every day is not bad. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Today is tough. I don’t want to face the office, but I know that there are things that need to be done. Fortunately, I spent a couple of hours this morning at home to get some uninterrupted grading done and to allow myself a few minutes to just breathe. Until things begin to feel more stable — whenever that may actually be — I will keep processing things here, leaning on trusted friends, and accepting the fact that I am only one person and can only do so much. That’s all that anyone can really ever ask of me.

Needing Someone to Listen

In case you haven’t noticed, there is a lot of noise in our world at the moment. Daily news reports tell of continued tragedy and loss of life. Scientific studies remind us how little we really know about COVID-19 and raise concerns about our personal safety. Public opinion demands a return to normalcy…..while maintaining social distance. Mask wearers argue with those who feel their personal liberty is being negatively impacted by the piece of cloth. There’s a lot of noise in 2020. Sometimes in the noise, it feels as though our solitary voice is being lost and no one seems to hear.

We try to voice our fears, our concerns, our frustrations. Yet we feel powerless. Isn’t what concerns me worth hearing? Doesn’t my voice matter? We are not asking that what we have to say be considered infallible. We just want to be heard and know that someone — ANYONE — is really listening. Now more than ever, we as humans simply need to know that we matter.

Am I frustrated that everyone is not wearing a mask? Certainly. Will my voice change that? Probably not…..people are going to do what they choose to do. Does it help to share with another person and know that they care about my feelings and concerns? Most definitely! Do I think returning to school is a wise decision? I really don’t know. There are so many unknown aspects of the situation that are only known in Heaven itself. I fear that it may go south quickly, but I am going to do the best job I can to keep me, my family, my colleagues, and my students safe and healthy. Even though I don’t know what to do, I need to be able to work through it with other people without judgment. We all need to be heard from time to time.

I’ve been reminded this week that sometimes people just need to talk and share what is on their heart. They don’t necessarily need a response from me. They just need a sympathetic ear that is willing to listen. Sometimes we all need to find a “Jesus in the flesh” and put our deepest thoughts and concerns on the line without fear. That’s quickly becoming my prayer for myself for the weeks and months ahead. Heavenly Father, help me to be a listener when those in my world need it most. Give me wisdom to know when to speak, when to silently intercede, and when to cry. All the while, we cry “Kryie eleison.”

Currently Worrying About….

I am my mother’s son. I can worry about lots of things. Fortunately, there are varying levels of worrying that I have learned over the years. Most of the time if I am worried about something, it is simply present on my mind and a topic of prayer. Occasionally, my level of worry rises to extreme anxiety and I begin to fret about the future in the situation. That type of worry becomes debilitating and counterproductive. Thankfully, I am not currently at that level of worry about anything in my life. But there are plenty of things that I am worried about today in my usual way.

• Money! Who isn’t worried about personal finances? I’m a single guy making my way through life on a less-than-optimal income. I make enough to survive and meet all of my obligations, but it is challenging to get ahead on things. Consistently having to focus on when the next check will hit the bank as I balance a busy schedule that seems to never end can be challenging and disheartening at times. With changes to my health insurance coverage this year, a recent trip to the pharmacy hit hard and brought the reality of my financial situation to the front of my mind.
• My health. Getting older sucks! Thankfully, I am in fairly good health and do not have too many chronic health issues. Still, when there is an unexpected pain or ache, I can get worried that something else is wrong. I realize that I haven’t lived the most healthy lifestyle and that my health issues are of my own making. That acceptance of responsibility still doesn’t mean that the worry is not there…the problem is in the doing something about it.
• Upcoming performances. It may be a surprise to some that future performances would be a source of worry for a professional musician. By themselves, none of the engagements seem terribly overwhelming. When it begins to feel as though there is so much music piling up, the process of learning, polishing, and performing can be daunting. Add to the amount of repertoire an intense feeling of personal responsibility since I am performing with another musician who I don’t want to let down…..and you have a perfect storm for a major worry session! Last night’s performance with Robert Cardwell began to ease some of the worry about one of the more substantial performances coming up in a few weeks. There is still work to do, but I have a better idea of my level of preparation on that challenging music.
• My parents. Mom and Pop are getting older. With their aging comes lots of things that need to be taken care of. I know that my siblings are taking care of things, but I still worry that the Geriatrics are really getting all the help they need. I’ve experienced the responsibility of caring for older parents, know that mine won’t ask for help all the time, and just want to make sure everything is getting done to make their final years as comfortable as possible. This is probably my only regret about being in West Texas; if I could change the situation in a way that all involved parties would still be happy and fulfilled, I would do it in a heartbeat.
• My students. I love these goobers! I hate to see them suffering and dealing with stressful situations. I watch as they navigate life as a young adult, facing some of its challenges for the first time while learning to cope with stress and conflict in a healthy manner. It is not always pretty, but they almost always manage to get through it — with a little help and support. I think I’m getting pretty good at having a watchful eye over “my kids” and mentoring them to head off problems before things get out of hand.

In spite of all of the things that worry me, over the years I have found comfort and rest from the words of Philippians 4:6 -7: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (NASB) I don’t have to shoulder the responsibility of my worries alone. That’s a welcome relief!