When Stress is in the Air

Good grief, I’m tired! I am writing at the end of the second day of the Fall semester and I already feel as though I’ve run a marathon. Trying to teach through a mask while maintaining my distance from my students is tough. Worries about everyone’s health takes a mental toll. Everyone is pleasant in the halls, but there is so much tension in the air, it is palpable.

Today looked as though it would be a fairly light day for me. I started the day with a private piano lesson before moving into class piano. The rest of the day was to be devoted to finishing up lesson plans and to practice. However, I felt like I was in a fog and could not get my brain wrapped around anything. Just as I finally got around to beginning to work on a piece that is causing me a lot of stress and worry, a piano down the hall began to pound out heavy chords that were in a contrary rhythm to mine. I was attempting to work out some rhythmic figures that were giving me grief. I could not focus on the metronome next to me because of the chords. I became frustrated and moved to my desk to get some other work done.

After a few minutes at my desk, the piano playing stopped. So I went back to my practicing. You guessed it…..the bombastic chords began again. Now I was simply angry. So I went to walk around the building and take a deep breath. Did I have a right to be angry? Not at all. It’s just a common problem in our building that there is no sound-proofing. We work around the bleed through on a regular basis. I just could not do it today. I was ready to bite someone’s head off if they approached me in just the wrong way. Thankfully, I didn’t have an interaction with another human until I had settled myself and regained some perspective.

Do I always manage my stress well? Not on your life! I snap at people and take my frustration out on others. Then I feel even worse. I’m learning to step away and allow my mind to settle. I’m also finding that changing tasks (when it’s possible) also helps me out. That’s not always an option…..and those are tough times to manage the stress.

How am I managing my stress right now? Not very well, honestly. I’ve been on the verge of tears multiple times this week and I am not resting well. I look at everything that needs to be done and I feel completely overwhelmed. To my detriment, I pull away from those that love me when I start to feel as though I’m at the end of my rope. I climb into my corner and shut out the rest of the world. I just have to monitor myself and make sure that I don’t isolate too long to the point that it becomes unhealthy. Right now, I’m making a point to spend time in the Word before beginning each day and reminding myself that I am not in this current situation alone. All of my colleagues are feeling the strain. Some are better at hiding their stress. But I can see it in their eyes. We just want to make music and take care of our students. Unfortunately, we are having to think about a lot of other things at the moment. We feel the weight and take the responsibility very seriously. Right now, we just need to make sure that we are protecting our physical and mental health and reminding ourselves that it won’t always be this way.

In the Dark

Jan 21 – How do you feel about the dark?

My relationship with the dark has been filled with turmoil. As a child, I despised being in the dark. Nighttime was a time of emotional torture because of my fear. Was there something lurking in the shadow wishing to bring me harm? Would I be overlooked and left behind if an emergency should happen? What else was there that I couldn’t see? I did not like the dark as a child. Honestly, I still don’t like it very much as an adult.

I think my issues with the dark are connected with the facts that I like to be in control and I don’t like surprises. If I can see something coming, I can prepare myself for it and navigate the trouble. I’m naturally a planner. When things come my way at the last minute or without warning, I get incredibly stressed out! I stress enough about the things that I have planned for…..so I really don’t like the last minute additions.

Now, if I’m in a dark theater with friends enjoying a show or concert….that’s entirely a different situation. Then the darkness brings with it expectation and excitement. Of course, there is an element of surprise here as well — but I’m prepared to be surprised in these situations. Actually….that’s why I’m there.

What I am feeling about the dark at the moment is that it is a time to get rest. I am not much of a night owl at all. I learned to function at night in college and grew to enjoy the fun that I could have late at night. But I also knew that I could not thrive on too many late nights in a row. I needed sleep. So now as the witching hour draws near (since I’m writing this post the night before it will appear on Livin’ Life) I’m feeling the call to sleep. My eyes are getting heavy….my belly is full….and I am ready to rest after a long day of rehearsal.

Where Do You Want to Be?

My blog prompts have been hitting pretty close to home recently and today’s question is no different. At the moment, I am right where I want to be…..and far away from where I want to be too.

I’m right where I want to be at the moment, sitting in my chocolate brown recliner with my feet up and a Coke on the table next to me. For the past week, I’ve been in Midland, Texas, staying in a host home while playing for the WBU Opera touring production of La Prima Musica. Don’t get me wrong…..I thoroughly enjoyed getting to perform for most of the elementary students that attended the opera. I am so thankful to Permian Basin Opera for providing the opportunity to WBU Music and taking such good care of us while visiting the city. But after 9 performances, load-in, and strike, I’m pooped! My arms are achy — no pain, just extremely tired — and my mind is jelly at the moment. So since returning home this afternoon, I have spent most of the day sitting in this very chair. I’ve listened to a little music, done some reading, and watched a bit of television. I simply needed to spend the day doing nothing that was very taxing. It was great spending the week with my colleagues and our students as we performed…but I’m very thankful to be in my apartment again.

At the same time, my apartment is the last place I want to be at the moment. All week long, I have seen posts from previous years when I would visit Los Angeles around this time of the year on an almost annual basis. It’s not the scenery that I’m missing or even the weather. It’s not even the fun activities that I miss. I’m missing the people that have played such a special part in my life over the years. So….if I’ve spoken with you about making a road trip to L.A. this summer, know that I am completely serious. I want to do the touristy stuff as part of a fun summer trip. But I need to see some important people and just be myself for a while without any reservation.

But that’s not the only place I’m wishing I could be tonight. I’m missing the Geriatric Ward at the moment. Today is my dad’s birthday. I don’t have the best relationship with Pop and never have. I know that I am loved and he provided for me generously, but there was never a strong connection. I was the child of his later years who had no interest in outdoor activities and learning how things worked. Instead, I was the bookworm who would rather spend time at the piano or in a museum. We simply had very little in common and I don’t think either of us knew how to operate in the other’s world. So there was very little meaningful interaction.

Still, I love my dad and know that he will not be with us forever. He turned 83 today. In the past, he has battled cancer and heart complications. When I visit, I see that he is becoming more and more frail and the years are finally beginning to catch up with him. I wish I were closer to the Geriatric Ward so that I could make an effort to establish more of a relationship with him now that I know how that process works. Phone calls don’t do the trick for us though. And it appears that we will not be in the same locale on a regular basis any time soon. So for now, I have to make the best of the limited time I have in Arkansas and make the best of a less-than-ideal situation. I’ll be home for Thanksgiving in a few weeks and then again for the Christmas holidays a couple of weeks later. For now, that has to be enough.

So for right now, I am going to be content while I’m resting in Plainview, finish the work that is still before me, and know that I am right where I want to be at the moment as I also reflect on the other places that I want to be…..with the people that I wish I was near.

Is Your Life What You Imagined?

When I first read today’s blog prompt early this morning, I found myself a bit anxious thinking about answering the question. It is never a comfortable thing to have to face that plans did not work out quite as we had hoped or planned. As the day went on, however, I found that things have turned out mostly as I had imagined.

From my earliest years, I knew that I wanted to be a teacher. Originally, I imagined that I would teach math. I recall playing with my stuffed animals and imaginary friends as I would teach them fundamentals of addition, multiplication, and division. (For some reason, I never wanted to teach subtraction.) When I began to face advanced math courses in high school, my plans quickly changed and the topic of interest changed. There was a brief interest in teaching history and then it went to English literature. It was around that time that a guidance counselor first birthed the idea in my brain that I might pursue teaching music at the collegiate level.

When I began studying music at Pepperdine, I enjoyed all of the classes and saw the obvious career path of teaching piano. But then I was introduced to Sara Banta and I knew that I wanted a job like hers. Sara was on staff — not a member of the faculty yet — and taught a few piano lessons. What she spent most of her time doing was simply playing piano. Her studio was a revolving door of singers and instrumentalists rehearsing with her. Sara also provided accompaniment for opera and musical productions. That’s when the dream was born — I wanted to be a staff accompanist at a university.

Time would pass and I would learn that I actually wanted to pursue work as a collaborative pianist — basically a highly trained pianist specializing in chamber work who receives more respect than the term “accompanist” suggests — and I was on my way. I enjoyed learning all of the repertoire that kept life so exciting. I also liked the social aspect of the work. The hours alone in a practice room were not to my liking at all!

What didn’t turn out as I imagined? I never expected to be living in west Texas without the Geriatrics nearby. If I was going to leave them behind, I expected to be working in Southern California again. I never thought I would be teaching class piano. It was never a class that interested me at all. Now that I have gotten to take on a program and make it mine, my view of the course sequence has changed and the thought of giving it up is appalling to me. But for all of the things that didn’t turn out as I had imagined, I am very happy in my life right now. I’m blessed with colleagues that I adore and friends that keep me grounded. Things are actually quite good in my life…..and I know that I am incredibly blessed.

Currently Worrying About….

I am my mother’s son. I can worry about lots of things. Fortunately, there are varying levels of worrying that I have learned over the years. Most of the time if I am worried about something, it is simply present on my mind and a topic of prayer. Occasionally, my level of worry rises to extreme anxiety and I begin to fret about the future in the situation. That type of worry becomes debilitating and counterproductive. Thankfully, I am not currently at that level of worry about anything in my life. But there are plenty of things that I am worried about today in my usual way.

• Money! Who isn’t worried about personal finances? I’m a single guy making my way through life on a less-than-optimal income. I make enough to survive and meet all of my obligations, but it is challenging to get ahead on things. Consistently having to focus on when the next check will hit the bank as I balance a busy schedule that seems to never end can be challenging and disheartening at times. With changes to my health insurance coverage this year, a recent trip to the pharmacy hit hard and brought the reality of my financial situation to the front of my mind.
• My health. Getting older sucks! Thankfully, I am in fairly good health and do not have too many chronic health issues. Still, when there is an unexpected pain or ache, I can get worried that something else is wrong. I realize that I haven’t lived the most healthy lifestyle and that my health issues are of my own making. That acceptance of responsibility still doesn’t mean that the worry is not there…the problem is in the doing something about it.
• Upcoming performances. It may be a surprise to some that future performances would be a source of worry for a professional musician. By themselves, none of the engagements seem terribly overwhelming. When it begins to feel as though there is so much music piling up, the process of learning, polishing, and performing can be daunting. Add to the amount of repertoire an intense feeling of personal responsibility since I am performing with another musician who I don’t want to let down…..and you have a perfect storm for a major worry session! Last night’s performance with Robert Cardwell began to ease some of the worry about one of the more substantial performances coming up in a few weeks. There is still work to do, but I have a better idea of my level of preparation on that challenging music.
• My parents. Mom and Pop are getting older. With their aging comes lots of things that need to be taken care of. I know that my siblings are taking care of things, but I still worry that the Geriatrics are really getting all the help they need. I’ve experienced the responsibility of caring for older parents, know that mine won’t ask for help all the time, and just want to make sure everything is getting done to make their final years as comfortable as possible. This is probably my only regret about being in West Texas; if I could change the situation in a way that all involved parties would still be happy and fulfilled, I would do it in a heartbeat.
• My students. I love these goobers! I hate to see them suffering and dealing with stressful situations. I watch as they navigate life as a young adult, facing some of its challenges for the first time while learning to cope with stress and conflict in a healthy manner. It is not always pretty, but they almost always manage to get through it — with a little help and support. I think I’m getting pretty good at having a watchful eye over “my kids” and mentoring them to head off problems before things get out of hand.

In spite of all of the things that worry me, over the years I have found comfort and rest from the words of Philippians 4:6 -7: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (NASB) I don’t have to shoulder the responsibility of my worries alone. That’s a welcome relief!

Looking Back at 2018

Happy 2019! The start of a new year is always an exciting time as we look forward to the prospect of future endeavors that are filled with promise and possibility. However, I think it is also important that we take a moment to reflect on what the past year has held. Here’s how I perceived 2018 in my own life.

• Performances Galore! It has been a busy year for this pianist. I have performed 9 recitals this year ranging, including 2 solo piano recitals and a duo recital with my incredible colleague, Richard Fountain. Stage shows kept me busy as well with the spring’s opera scenes offerings and another production of Into the Woods in the fall followed by a touring production of Davies’ The Three Little Pigs. As though that wasn’t enough, there was also lots of playing in churches…..far too many to really recount here. I am so thankful to be in a permanent position that affords me the opportunity to perform with colleagues, students, and other organizations on a regular basis.
• Sickness! I began the year with a nasty bout of the flu that delayed my return to Texas. Just before coming home for Christmas break, I experienced one of the most horrible stomach bugs I have ever had. After lots of fluids administered by IV and a couple of days of a clear liquid diet, I began the slow journey down the road to recovery. I’m not sure what it was about this year, but I seemed to be fighting one illness after another all year long. Here’s a prayer that I’ve managed to endure most of my illnesses for a very long time and that 2019 will be a year of health for me!
• Continuing health issues for Pop! As the summer came to an end, we learned that Pop would need stints to repair heart valves. During the fall semester, I made a quick trip back to the Geriatric Ward shortly after the procedure was completed to see his progress and recovery with my own eyes. Thankfully, everything seems to be going well on that front. However, the rest of the year has been plagued with more injuries for Dad. A twist of his leg created enough problems with his hip and ankle that he has not been able to complete any of the prescribed physical therapy after the stints. While driving home for Christmas break, I learned that Dad had injured his foot at work and fractured his ankle. As I watch the mounting injuries from a distance, I am facing the realization that Dad’s retirement (and the challenges that will go with that) is growing closer each day.
• Decreased reading and writing! As I found myself getting more and more busy and constantly fighting illness, I simply did not feel like blogging or reading for pleasure. That’s why things came to a screeching halt for me in the blogosphere fairly early in the year. My reading life underwent a huge hit as well. In 2018, I read a paltry 18 books for the year. That is the lowest showing for me since I began keeping track of my readings in 2009. I am very intentional about seeing that number return to its normal range in 2019.

Am I Good Enough?

It’s a question that we have all asked ourselves at one time or another. Am I good enough? Can I really accomplish what I have set out to do? The voices of criticism and failure in our head become so loud that we inevitably begin to self destruct. We stay in a destructive relationship rather than facing the accusing voices that we will never be loved. We doubt our ability to succeed as a student because the inner critic — often disguised as a former teacher — declares us stupid or unable to master the material. As musicians, we sabotage our performances before we even take the stage because we are so convinced that the outcome will be tragic. Self-doubt can be crippling! However, we do not have to accept a life-sentence and continue listening to the inner critics that torment us. I have struggled with self-doubt for many years. The voices have not been completely silenced, but I now know how to quiet them. Here are some of the tips that I have learned that have proven extremely helpful.

Identify the source of the self-doubt. Is there a voice that you hear from your inner critic? Perhaps it comes in the voice of an overly critical teacher, a demanding parent, or a sibling or significant other who proclaimed you would never become anything of worth. Sometimes the source of criticism is your own response to a past failure. Once you have identified the source, you can now begin to deal with the problem at its core.

Expose the lie! It’s time to face the criticism head on — once and for all. Try to see the situation from a new point of view. Was the comment that continues to haunt you said in anger, jealousy, or ignorance? Was it the result of domestic or verbal abuse that you experienced? Once you can identify the source and determine that it is a lie, then you can begin to speak new words of truth into your life.  Some of my favorite statements that I make to myself include:

• My past does not define my future.
• A single failed attempt does not mean anything….except that I tried! That’s more than some people can say because they continue to live in fear of failure.
• Failures are part of the development and growth process. If I don’t try something, I cannot learn how to accomplish anything.
• As a Christian, I hold to the promise that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13, NASB)

If necessary, seek professional help. There is no shame in seeking out the services of a trained professional to help you work through the struggles of dealing with self-doubt. Counseling is a wonderful resource that can provide you with a confidant who can look at the situation objectively and provide suggestions for moving through the difficult times.

Change your thought process. Now that you know that the inner critic is not speaking truth into your life, change the message that you are hearing in your head. Speak words of success to yourself. Turn all of those “I can’t….” statements into phrases like “I’m working on it” or “I’m learning how to do it.” Sometimes it is necessary to realize that the negativity is also coming from a friend; if you find that someone is triggering those negative feelings within you, it may be time to generate some distance between you and the negative person.

Celebrate the little victories. Maybe you can’t achieve your goal right away (most of us can’t!), but notice the small successes that come each day and celebrate those. Give yourself a pat on the back when you make some headway and realize that this is the beginning of your path to success. Your journey may not look like anyone else’s, but remember that your ultimate goal is success and happiness.

Above all, determine to stay the course. There will be challenging days. That’s normal. Just keep moving toward your goal and continue to silence the voices that bring you down.

 

A Peek Inside the Backpack

On any given day, you can find me traipsing around town with my black backpack slung over my right shoulder. Like Dora the Explorer’s Pack, my bag is “loaded up with things and knickknacks too. Anything you might need is inside for you.” This week I went into a familiar restaurant with my backpack and the server’s curiosity finally forced him to ask what was in my bag. It’s not scandalous or even really exciting, but here’s a peek inside my backpack.

• Pens – I am very particular about my writing utensils. If I’m working in the office, I just grab the first thing my hand comes to and scribble down a note to myself. However, if I’m writing in my journal for enjoyment or relaxation, I want a pen that moves smoothly across the page and feels really comfortable in my hand. When I find that “perfect pen” I toss it in my backpack so it’s always there when I need it. Currently, I’m sporting a pair of Bic Atlantis ballpoints that make me really happy.
• Notebooks – I’m a bit of a notebook junkie. There are two within arm’s reach at all times. A blue hardcover notebook whose binding is holding on by a thread serves as my planner. That’s where I toss my daily to-do lists, blog outlines, shopping lists, and anything else I need at hand. If another person tries to make sense of it, it will appear as utter confusion; to me, it’s the only way I can keep my life together. Then there’s my black journal. Typically I make one post at the end of the day, recounting the day’s events and my private thoughts. It’s not for public consumption at all, but I keep it handy for those moments when I hear a turn of a phrase that I don’t want to forget because it was either so beautiful or profound. Those tidbits of word art get added to my journal to be re-visited on another day.
• Medications – Nothing too exciting here. I just keep a stash of daily vitamins, allergy meds, and Tylenol along with the random doses of DayQuil and Tums from previous illnesses.
• Glass Case – If I’m on the move, you can bet that my glasses are sitting on the very top of whatever is in the middle compartment of my backpack! Otherwise, they are perched precariously on top of my head. Why so close by?
• Books! – I’m not going to venture too far away from the books that I am currently reading so I can steal a few moments throughout the day to dive into their pages. At the moment, I have a novel about female spies working in France during World War I, a biographical look at Van Cliburn’s experiences during the Tchaikovsky Competition in 1958, and a survey of piano literature.
• Music – If you see me somewhere other than Plainview or Memphis with my bag, you can bet that there is at least one score wedged into an inner pocket so I can continue familiarizing myself with the music for some upcoming performance.

There you have it. The contents are not really that surprising, but my backpack is filled with the stuff that makes my day go smoothly.

Revisiting a Younger Me

In case you haven’t guessed, I enjoy writing. That’s part of the reason that I like blogging. There’s just something priceless about putting words on the page to express my feelings and opinions about a myriad of subjects. Not all of my thoughts are intended or appropriate for public consumption though. There are times that I need to express my frustrations, deepest hopes, and greatest fears without inviting anyone else to read. That is the purpose of my personal journal.

I have kept journals — or diaries, if you prefer — off and on throughout my life. Journaling became a consistent part of my routine while nearing the end of my time at Pepperdine.  Lots of things were happening that put me into an uproar emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So I needed an outlet to express those thoughts without fear of offending people or getting myself into major trouble. My journal became the place to lay it all on the line without any self-editing.

Over the past week, I decided it was time to read those early journals for the first time in many, many years. It has been an eye-opening experience as I revisited the world that my 20-year-old self faced. Those were days of lots of drama and personal turmoil. I was struggling with my own identity as it related to my faith, my relationships with others, and my future as a musician. I had forgotten that there was a long period of time after completing my senior recital that I was convinced that I would never play the piano again because I had so many negative feelings attached to the experience of studying music. As I walk through those memories again, I am so thankful for the people who nurtured me and helped me realize that my negative feelings were not about the music, but about people with whom I was forced to interact. I have also been reminded of just how important my interactions with my current students are. I have found myself spending more time in prayer as I approach the beginning of a new year that the words I speak to my students will always be couched in sincere love for their well-being and their future endeavors.

Not all of my memories were bad. I found myself laughing frequently at my younger self. I loved looking back to a time when life was carefree. I shook my head as I lived again the emotional roller coaster of dealing with roommates and friends that didn’t understand that I was right and they were wrong. I am amazed that I didn’t get slapped a few times; years away from the situations quickly reveal just how wrong I really was. There were times I wanted to leap back in time and tell this naive Kennith that the issues that were causing me so much distress and heartache were really not that important in light of the big picture.

Occasionally, I found myself getting into a negative head space as I read my old journals. Insecurities and unresolved hurts reared their heads again and continued to torment me all these years later. Fortunately, I quickly realized what was happening and was able to clear my head — as soon as I wrote about it in my current journal! Overall, it has been great to look back through the pages of my journals and reflect on how things were for me then. I just have to remind myself not to stay in the past.  My goal as I continue my personal journaling is that I will be able to LEARN from the past, LIVE in the present, and LOOK FORWARD to the future.

How Time Flies

I begin most mornings spending a few minutes with the TimeHop app. I enjoy looking over my posts on various social media sites and reflecting on things for a moment. Today’s reflection centered on the past two years.

This time last year, I was in the early stage of my first semester at Wayland. What was my major struggle? I was dealing with self doubt as I fought my way through an open score. Now, there are days that I WISH an open score was my greatest challenge!

It doesn’t seem possible that two years ago my family was dealing with the news that Dad would have triple bypass in the days ahead and the prognosis was not promising. It’s tough to think about how much that one event colored my life for months as we went through the surgery, struggled with post-op complications, and started the uncertain journey to recovery at home. Now that Dad is living a normal life again, the memories seem so distant. Still, without a doubt, I know that 2014 was a year that forever changed me and my family.

Now I wonder what the future has in store. All I know for certain is that God will be there with me and will continue to prove Himself faithful in every circumstance.

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